20 responses to “How Should One Handle An Aging Parent?”

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  Ranjan I October 16th, 2009 at 07:34

  The very fact that you have put this problem as an open question goes to show that you really wanna do something from the depth of your heart.
  Go ahead take this as a challenge and do what best you can to take care of her. Even little care which is done with a sense of dedication will make her realize that she is wanted which in turn will awaken her inner strength to take care of herself to some extent.
  This will mean 1 (your care) +1 (her inner strength) = 2 …. more independent Mom. Do this with full dedication and see the results and yes ….. you will derive immense satisfaction as also will be gifted with her blessings which will grant immense self satisfaction and prosperity in the long run…… God grant you wisdom to understand what I am trying to explain

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  Cheetah October 16th, 2009 at 09:13

  That’s a tough one. I moved to Florida 6 months ago so I could help my Mom and Stepdad out – she will soon be 80 as well. It’s a lot of responsibility and does take a lot of patience. I used to help my real Dad out before he died on a part-time basis and it was also very draining. For me, I didn’t have children so that made it a little easier but I did have a husband with M.S.
  My Mom also took care of my Grandmother for awhile and she had Lou Gehrig’s disease. It was very hard on all the family. Some of her brothers and their wives helped out too. There can be bitterness and it breaks down the family.
  I would say try your best to help as much as you can because it is very important. She took care of you when you couldn’t take care of yourself. Also it is good to be aware of her doctor’s orders on whatever condition(s) she may have. Keep that line of communication very open because an aging person forgets what the doctor says or when they are at an appointment, may forget to tell the doctor certain things. Important to see that she is taking her medications properly as well. Maybe you and your other family members can work out some sort of schedule where you can share the burden of responsibility. I will keep you in my prayers and I understand.

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  sbr October 16th, 2009 at 11:19

  This is a typical tricky situation occurring in almost all families. If we cannot accept our parents as they are, then it becomes extremely difficult taking care of them. Isn’t it obvious that every human being will pass through this stage of ineffectiveness one day? Why do we forget that our own parents are a part of our lives. If we are financially inadequate, then too we must look after them within the means of ours.
  In your case, it is difficult to come everyday leaving your family behind for taking care of your mother. Your brothers have to think on this point and must come out an acceptable solution taking you into confidence. It is understood that your brothers’ wives will not have that sincerity to take care of mother-in-law. If financial problem is not there, then she can be kept in old age home, where she can find company too.

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  Faede October 16th, 2009 at 17:36

  You can find a senior mediator. I recently heard a special about this on National Public Radio (NPR). I added the link under sources.
  This is a Family Team Meeting with a mediator who is an expert in elderly care and resources. It is a place to come together with your family and parents, and make sure all sides are heard and decide what is best for your mom.

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  Vindaloo October 16th, 2009 at 18:06

  The fact that both brothers have lost patience is unfortunate because it has a negative influence on everybody, but in fact your mom might “belong” in a nursing home for her own well-being, nevermind how much you do or don’t want to go that route. Her doctor or “elder-care department” of your county (whatever it’s called there) is in a position to evaluate her “qualifications”. You will do everyone a favor to investigate at the very least.

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  Lost Paradise October 16th, 2009 at 19:31

  If you love your mother and truly want the best for her then you should chip in and help the other brothers/family member with your ailing Mother. You guys should get together pick out a schedule of days where everyone can picks some days to be with your mother or spend time with her or any other activities like if you have to bring her to work with you or something.
  NOTE: Whatever you do DO NOT put her in any nursing home. You don’t want her last memories to be bed sores and poor treatment. She’s getting older and soon she won’t be around any longer, THAT IS THE REALITY. Don’t worry about patience and wives and such. If you truely care for your mother and if you are really concerned about her well being. Get together and talk with your brother’s and their wives. We all have to get old at some point.

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  celexa October 16th, 2009 at 19:55

  Have a family meeting and see if mom can go into a Senior Home, not nursing home, or can you take her in and have siblings take her on weekends? Please remember mom took care of all of you her whole life and now she must be treated with respect. Also see if maybe you all can chip in for a home health aide to stay with her and help her out.

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  Loosey™ October 17th, 2009 at 00:43

  Yes, my wife and I have been through the same thing with her mom. She is now gone, the hospital in a routine surgery killed her. My wife used to do the 3 hour roundtrip drive twice a week and on weekends to take care of her independent mom who was having trouble just walking around. Now we regret we didn’t do more. If we had only known how short her time was going to be, but who could have guessed that her post-op care (or lack thereof) was going to end her life.
  Would you consider a live-in caretaker? You don’t say where your mom is living right now. Maybe both brothers can help pay some of the costs.

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  Capri7 October 17th, 2009 at 02:26

  This is an unbelievably painful situation. I’ve been down this road with both my parents before they passed away. I was single at the time and most of it fell on me. I prayed a lot during this time. God was my strength and I could not have made it without him. I don’t regret for one moment in time the years I sacrificed for them. The Lord gave me patience that I didn’t know I had and a love for both my parents that became more precious. With you being married though, I know it’s extremely hard on your marriage. You might have to seek some kind of counseling. Hopefully your husband would go with you. The only other solution would be to put your Mom in a rest home.

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  ReallyMo October 17th, 2009 at 09:00

  It depends on your family’s feelings, and your mother’s, about moving into a nursing home. For a lot of elderly people, moving to a home is the beginning of the end. Most do not want to be there, and when they accept the fact that none of their family is going to take them home they give up. Of course that doesn’t happen to everyone, but it has happened to the people I have known. It is very sad.
  Would you be willing to have your mother live with you? Can her benefits cover the cost of a nurse to take care of her in your home while you’re at work, or just living your own life?
  They’re all very difficult questions and decisions. It is something that my husband and I are going to face soon as well, because his father is 85 years old. So far he is fine in his home, but we know the time will come when we and my other in-laws will have to decide what to do.
  No one but you can really answer the question you ask, because you are the one who is going to have to live with the decisions you make. But, talk to doctors and your family. I hope you’ll do the right thing for your mother, and not just the easy thing.
  Good luck to you all.
  edit to say: When I said that my family would have to decide what to do with my father-in-law when the time comes that he can’t live alone, I just want you to know that it will not involve a nursing home. The man has given all of us more than can be told, and the least we will do for him is make sure he is always with his family, never in the care of strangers that may cause him harm in a place that will fill him with loneliness.

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  Tilak October 17th, 2009 at 13:16

  u r kind enough to ask for solution and answer is put your self in her position and think.
  Think of days when u were small and she spent entire time to take care of you. Now it’s your turn to repay a bit of it and should spare 2-3 hours in a day to take care of her, even if no body in your family (including your wife) does it. PLEASE do not think about others, start caring her like u r the only child she has, m sure all will follow you.
  Keep in mind this situation will come to all of us.

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  ∞infinit October 17th, 2009 at 17:31

  Shame on all of you!
  Mom sacrificed and took care of all of you at one time, didn’t she? I am sure that there were times that both you and your siblings gave her a hard time, but she cared for you anyway.
  Mom does not have very much time left. It is your moral obligation to let her enjoy her last years in this world.

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  srodri9 October 18th, 2009 at 00:01

  Put her in a retirement home (or nursing home if she requires a lot more assistance). You wouldn’t be a bad child if you did, you’d have her best interest at heart. You wouldn’t be able to provide the constant assistance she needs having your own family and all to take care of.

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  Sparkles October 18th, 2009 at 06:34

  If you are not in a situation to take care of her, put her in a old age home, and visit her often to show that you care.
  She’ll make friends of her age over there too, and won’t feel so neglected and misunderstood.

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  =) Michelle October 18th, 2009 at 12:09

  Take care of your mom if you love her. If you don’t you will regret it when shes gone. Live like every moment is your last. She rasied you, It can’t be that bad to wtch out for someone who loves you.

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  frogg135 October 18th, 2009 at 17:34

  maybe time to consider a care home
  have you thought about asking her for her opinion
  it maybe the fairest solution for you both

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  KrautsRU October 19th, 2009 at 00:29

  let her live with you, 18 years might have been hell but come on you can have a heart and let her live with you.

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  Lou lou October 19th, 2009 at 00:46

  A care home, but treat her with respect because we all might be in that position one day.

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  i ♥ hershey ♥♥♥♥♥ October 19th, 2009 at 03:17

  How many of you did she birth & raise? well take that number & divide into 12 & everyone takes turns for that many months+

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  Amy C October 19th, 2009 at 09:30

  find her a good nursing home. You shouldn’t feel guilty about getting help for her.